I woke up still feeling like an emotional wreck. But it was a nice feeling to chat with someone that would give me some good Godly advice. It was nice to be able to vent to someone without being judged. And to be told that I was going to be prayed for. I needed that.
I try to talk to my husband but he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get why or how I allow my feelings to get so sad. How do I allow something so evil to get into my head and my heart? Why do I let that happen?!
But he doesn’t understand. No one understands. No one gets that I have no control over my feelings. I can’t control myself when I get emotional. Once I allow myself to feel , then that’s it. I lose control and it’s hard to get back. But if I just keep moving, if I just not care to feel , if I don’t allow myself to get emotional, then I am good. Then I can live life. I can do more than go through the motions of everyday life. I can experience it. I can enjoy it. I can stay busy at living. But the second I feel …. it’s never a good day. Because I never feel good. Whatever emotions and feelings I have are all from the circumstances we live in… all from everything we have gone through… that I have gone through. And it’s not fun. Far from.
I just wish I could get over it. I wish I could get help for myself. I wish someone would just walk me through and say here… this is where you need to go, this is where you need to be. And then I do what I am told and then I get better. And then life is good again. But, it’s not like that. No one knows how I am feeling. No one knows what I go through. No one understands what I go through on a daily basis.
I just wish. ….. life was different.