Faith it to make it

DECEMBER 23, 2015

Truthfully……I’m tired.

And that’s pretty much it. Lol. Some amazing people who have been supporting me and encouraging me through this crazy time have been trying to get me to talk about my feelings or vent to them. They want me to share my feelings and express how I am really feeling… and truthfully… I’m just tired.

I am incredibly blessed. There is no other way to put it. I can complain and cry and worry and tell them how I really feel about this disease that is slowly trying to kill my son. I can tell them how I sit next to his crib every night just watching his chest rise and fall. I can tell them how I hate myself for the type of mother I feel like I am NOT being to my girls. They deserve me there every second of their life too.

I can tell them that I worry about all my kids happiness. Even though I know they are having a pretty great year. A life filled with vacations, road trips, shopping sprees and lots of family and friends time. But I am not there. I’m not there to see them off or see them return. I see them in their selfies they send me. I talk to them thru text and emails. It’s amazing how incredibly smart and understanding these kids are. They know how sick Matthew is so they don’t complain of my absence. But I miss them. They miss me. And I sometimes think it’s not fair. Life isn’t fair.

But I can’t tell them that. I can’t tell anyone that.

I can’t tell them that I feel numb…. to everything. To everyone. I can’t tell them that. Because what will happen? Nothing… I’ll be left feeling the pain. The actual emotional and physical pain that I am doing my best to ignore. Whoever asks me how I am doing gets to give me a hug and then go home and continue on with their day. I dont. I can’t cry it out and all will be cool. It’s not. It’s not cool. And we are right smack dab in the middle of it all to where I know it won’t be good for a while.

But I won’t say that to anyone. Why would I tell anyone how much this new road sucks. I’d rather keep positive and keep moving along. Because like my good friend told me on Sunday, “sometimes you gotta Faith it till you make it. “