SEPTEMBER 23, 2015

It is Wednesday morning, about 250am. I am still wide awake because I just don’t sleep… like ever. It was a very busy day today and tomorrow will be even busier. I find my days lately, just getting filled with so much stuff. A lot of stuff that I have to do and a lot of stuff that I just choose to do to keep me busy. I fear sometimes of sitting in silence. It has often made me pull away from sitting at my desk and studying my Bible in silence. Maybe because of all that I don’t want to think about. Maybe because of all that I don’t want to face. I don’t know. ….

This weekend we have a lot of busy busy things going on. On Friday we are presenting our local NICU with care packages for parents. We are also getting the opportunity to sit and speak with parents for support. If they have questions or concerns just to sit in silence and let them know that we are there for them. I am excited and nervous about that. Last Tuesday I went to my first NICU support group since the twins were out of the NICU. The first time I went to a support group, it was only my son in the NICU. And the only reason I “went” was because I  was in the break room when it started. There were about 5 or 6 parents and all were crying hysterically and just a mess. I had already been in “the game” for about 4 months at this time. I don’t remember all that was said but I just remember being so annoyed with this group. At this point in my NICU journey I was fighting for positivity. I begged God for the strength to find JOY in our journey. I NEEDED to look on the bright side of life… on the bright side of this journey. And then here I am, in the midst of the hot mess of mamas. They even asked if I wanted to talk and I remember I was like, umm no! I ended up just getting up mid-meeting and leaving because they were driving me crazy.

But after months and months of re-evaluation of the support group, I think I was driving MYSELF crazy because I was in such a battle with my own emotions. I was doing everything in my power to NOT cry. I didn’t want to BOOHOO myself. I couldn’t!! My son needed to be strong and to fight to survive. So I CAN NOT cry!! I can’t let him see me cry. I can’t let him see me be scared or sad or upset!! I wanted every second of my sons life to be happy and laughing and smiling and kissing him and tickling him. I didn’t want him to see me sad. Is that normal?? I don’t know. I have never heard of anyone else ever feeling that way. I have spoken to a lot of families and no one has ever mentioned ever feeling that way. But I was. And I still am!!

Even today I feel this way. I can’t bring myself to cry still. I get overwhelmed with bad news or scary news or new diagnoses and symptoms that I force myself to ignore it. And I re-direct my mind to other things. Usually towards the non-profit and my family. I do busy work. Busy busy busy. And it helps. I stay busy until about 2 or 3am. To the point of exhaustion that I collapse in my bed and immediately fall asleep. Too tired to think or reflect on life. I like it that way.

Maybe next year, after Matthew has his transplant and life transitions to being “normal” I will begin to let myself feel and heal. But I doubt it. Knowing me, I will probably just do anything and everything in mu power to cut off the past, forget the memory and just move forward.  Again, I don’t know if that is normal or not, but I think that sounds like a plan to me. It makes me nervous to think about the healing and the feeling. This is something that has haunted me for months and months already.

So here I am… just sitting and writing about my feelings and what’s on my mind. The NICU journey affects us all in different ways. We all deal with it differently. We all accept it differently, react to it differently, and move on from it differently. The way I am doing it, so far has been okay. Sometimes I want life to be different but it’s not. So I DEAL with it… the best way I know how. And that is just to just get up, thank God, get through the day without crying or asking God why, then get to bed and fall asleep as fast as I possibly can……

So here I am……

xo