Outside Looking In

Written on  JULY 5, 2015

I have been wanting to write this topic for a week now. But I have honestly been avoiding the topic. I wrote a previous post about avoiding my emotions and just notdealing with how I feel.

Last week, I had to take Matthew to get his labs done. He gets his blood drawn every other week. Sometimes he is an easy draw…sometimes he isn’t. And when he isn’t, he really isn’t.

When we go to get his labs drawn he has a specific nurse that we go see. Her name is Natalie. Natalie herself is on Peritoneal Dialysis. So there are times that I will ask her questions about what is going on with Matthew because I know she has felt the same way.

Natalie is amazing with Matthew. The second they met they just clicked. Matthew doesn’t go to just anyone. But he will to Natalie. It is rare, even after he gets labs, that he doesn’t want to be held by her. That says something… she is special.

Last Wednesday Matthew had to get labs drawn. It was a hard draw. Usually Natalie will stick him once and be done. But this day… it was hard. And it was hard. After a few minutes, Natalie called for another nurse to hold Matthew down. When Matthew is a hard draw I am rendered useless. I just can’t be the one to hold him down as he is being poked. He looks at me like, “Mama why are you letting this happen?!” My heart crumbles into pieces.

The other nurse comes in and begins holding him down. I slowly back out of the room and disappear. I am standing next to the doorway with my back against the wall. All I can do is listen. Listen to Natalie say how she is almost there, she is almost done and how good Matthew is doing. All the while Matthew is screaming at the top of his lungs. And I am frozen. I can’t go in there. I wish I could but I can’t. I do my best when it comes to being there for my son. I have seen him before and after many, many surgeries. But I just can NOT hold him down while he is being poked.

Instead I am leaning against the wall, listening to him scream, standing outside the door.

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