February 16, 2017

This was the first day we heard of the possibility and the reality of organ rejection. Matthew went in for his labs Friday and they came back very off. So off, that doctors have ordered a different medication, ultrasound and more labs in 4 days.

When the doctor sat me down for the news, the room began spinning. I suddenly felt this tunnel vision zooming in on my son playing with his hot wheels in the corner of the room. The doctors voice slowly phased out and all I can hear was the word rejection echoing in my head. When I was close to passing out, the doctor placed her hand on my shoulder, as if she were pulling me out of this tunnel. I quickly snapped out of it and looked at her. She said, “We hopefully caught it early and will do everything we can to change the course.”

She was reassuring… which was odd with this doctor. She is usually the NO B.S., worse case scenario, no sugar coating kind of doctor. I remember her, one time, coming in and saying she doesn’t think he will make it. And the next morning, Matthew was still holding on, living and breathing. And when she walked in the room, she blurted, “Oh, he’s still here!” Yeah…. that was this doctor. lol…

Matthew has a group of characters on his team looking after him. She is only one of 4 doctors, 2 specialists, 2 surgeons and 4 nurses. They are all who read over Matthews labs every single week. This boy is still a “case” to follow. A medical miracle.

I have only told one person. There is the only person I need to know. I am debating on telling the rest of the world this news. I am debating if I want to let people in on my fear, my worry, my stress. This roller coaster was supposed to be over. This feeling of a knife cutting through the flesh of my heart was never supposed to happen again. Life was supposed to get easier….

I have to remind myself, though, not to ask of WHY. I have to keep believing and trusting that this is the path God has chosen for Matthew…. and me. I can’t think of the worse case scenario. I automatically went into Mama Bear Mode and asked what I can do to help him. She said, hydrate. So that is what I am doing. Including the additional meds.

I pray that in 4 days his labs will be different. I pray that they are better. I pray that, maybe, just maybe, this was a test of some sort. To see if I will freak out and lose myself in this bad news. I don’t know. All I know is…

one day… my son will be well. So if you are reading this, please life my boys name up in prayer. That he will be well. Thank you.

Blessings

xo