I can’t help but think this *ALL* THE* TIME!!! 

ALL THE TIME. 

Have I done enough?!?!

It was three years ago on March 20th that we first learned about Matthew. That night I came home and Googled the heck out of every alien word I heard that morning. And I searched statistics. I searched survival rates. I searched survival stories. That night… I didn’t find any survivors.

In a meeting with doctors that told us Matthew would not have a great quality of life, I remember vowing to them that WE… his parents… will make sure that Matthew lives and receives to most amazing quality of life. I will make it my mission to make sure he has a life full of love, joy and fun. That has been my goal. No matter what his obstacles would be, we would get him through as best we could with God’s love and humor. 

Therapy session after therapy session… doctor appointment after doctor appointment… surgery after surgery… dialysis after dialysis… 

Have I done enough?!

I see the progress that Matthew had made. I see the hurdles he has had to climb. The Miracles God has made and blessed us with with witnessing. It’s been an amazing journey. And now that we are close to the end, I just can’t help but wonder…. have I done enough??

Matthew is special. No one ever prepared me to take care of such a special child. It was never a thought that we would ever be in such a situation. And then raising big girls and a twin along with Matthew… have I done enough?? 

My two oldest are in high school. They are beautiful and active and fun to be around. One in baptised in the Name of Jesus. The other was born with the love of God in her…so loving. They are both in honor roll and participate in high school sports. They each have their own silly high school girl personalities…but have I done enough?!

My middle two… just little girls learning about friends and school life. They want everything and want to do everything. They are so active and alive and they just want to have fun in everything they do!! They are really just learning about life and being a girl. They are learning about school and grades and consequences. They are really learning about friends and how to distinguish between good ones and not so good ones. I am teaching them to be nice but don’t let girls bully them or walk all over them. There are some means girls out there and mine are not going to be walked on. My girls are something special…. but have I done enough?!

Then there is Callia. She is Matthew’s twin sister. She has her own different personality. She was in NICU for 8wks and was delayed with many things as well. She did therapy and OT sessions just like Matthew. And last fall she “graduated” OT. She went for a speech evaluation and, although she doesnt speak, she passed that with flying colors. The therapist actually determined she is “functioning” about a 3 1/2 year old. She is very very smart!! This little girl, so little and so young, is so full of love for her brother!! It’s amazing to watch. When he is hurt or sad or sick, she is the first to run to his side to comfort him. I have never seen that. Not with any of the kids. I have seen them give kisses and show love, but nothing like this. She is a beautiful example of God’s Love… beautiful twin sibling love!! And although she has done well, I can’t help but think, have I done enough?!

I don’t know why I keep thinking back to so many things we have gone through in the last 3 years. I play back some big situations and circumstance we had to get through. Some things I can’t believe Matthew has overcome. Some things I can’t believe our family is still intact happily and healthy. 

We Andre nearing the end of this journey only to start a new one. And I can’t help but think… have I done enough?! 

Xo