Finally…to cry.

It takes a LOT for me to cry. I just don’t. I used to cry like a normal girl years ago. I used to be emotional and sensitive. I used to have feelings about things that were sad. I used to cry happy tears just like any other girl out there.

But then after about 4 or 5 months after my twins were born, this mama ran out of tears. I really did. It felt like from one day to the next I just couldn’t get myself to cry. There were days that I felt like I wanted to cry, days that I knew I should cry and things that happened that would make a normal person to cry. I just didn’t. I think the switch in my head was turned off.

I do cry though. Mostly when I am at church. It is NOT often… not at all. But I do. There are some days that just get so incredibly overwhelming that when I get to church I just finally let go. Sometimes I just need to fall at the feet of Jesus and I need to just let go. Sometimes I have no more strength in me that I need to be carried. Sometimes my mind is so cloudy and so full of chaos I need His Peace. And when I allow myself to let go… then I cry.

This past week has been insane. Matthew had a small setback and it stressed me out. For the first time in a long time he scared me. Seeing him sick, seeing what he was going through and knowing what could happen actually worried me. And then a horrible tragedy happened in our community just three days later. Two officers were gunned down and killed just miles away from my home. My friends were involved in this incident, my family was involved in this incident. A week later and it still feels so surreal.

My friends and I were talking about how they have cried non-stop since the shooting happened. We all have husbands in law enforcement and are scared for our husbands, their partners, our friends, each other. Things like this have only happened in other parts of the country, not in our area… not in our community. But here it is. It’s here. And I am the only one who hasn’t cried about it.

Days like today I wish I can cry. But I just can’t.

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