Two years ago today I was on bed rest because of the twins. I had just had an amnio-infusion and Matthew had a bladder tap. I was having really bad contractions but I was not dilating. I was on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was 29 weeks.

Just the week before we had an ultrasound to see the twins. We didn’t receive good news at this appointment. It was this appointment we learned that Matthews bladder was full again and that it was pushing his chest cavity up and his lungs were most likely not developing. We were told again, that Matthew may not survive much longer. Except now we were so far along that if he does pass, I will have to give birth to him and Callia for fear of infection to her and me.

Thanks to Facebook I was looking at my memories I had posted two years ago today. I took pictures while I was in bed. I took pictures of my belly. I had an appointment during this week to take maternity pictures. I had never had maternity photos taken and this pregnancy was supposed to be special. It was most likely going to be my last and my husband and I were so excited when we first found out. We wanted nothing more than to commemorate this pregnancy any way we can. I had been planning my own baby shower and I scheduled my maternity photo shoot.

But when I found out something was wrong, I was torn. I was angry and so full of sadness. I didn’t share a lot about my pregnancy at the time.  I was in shock. All I ever heard was bad news. I didn’t want to share that with anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to share our grief. I didn’t want to share my sadness or fear. I wanted to run and hide and let it pass. I didn’t even want to celebrate this pregnancy. I cancelled our maternity photo shoot and told my family and friends I did not want a baby shower.

But… my family had other plans. they believed that I should celebrate it. They thought it would be great to have a baby shower, despite my wishes. And then I found out my husband helped surprise me. So the day after we found out there was a 95% chance that Matthew would die, I walked into a surprise baby shower.

That was me up there…. (sorry, don’t know how to edit this photo on wordpress… I was actually tagged in this photo on Facebook and I saved it) I’m sure if you expand this photo you can see my big fake smile along with my huge baby belly. The baby shower itself was beautiful and amazing and it was even the theme I had picked out when I first started planning my own. But I did not want to be there. My husband had to literally help me get dressed.

Fast forward to Jun 12th. This photo….

I wanted to remember this as best I can. I think here I was finally at a point where I wanted to remember my belly. I wanted to remember the twins. I wanted to have those pretty photos. I wanted everything that I denied myself. SO I did this. I was in bed and I took photos.

Thank you Facebook for reminding about everything that I went through. Good or bad…. it happened. And now I am blessed to say, two years later, my son is currently kicking me in my head. He is sitting on the couch watching cartoons with his twin sister on his tablet and I am sitting on the floor in front of him. Listening to him sing and wiggle while he kicks me.

Thank you Jesus we have come a long way… I am blessed.

xoxo