MAY 14, 2015

This past year I have been pushed to my limits. “I have fought the good fight.” (2 Timothy 4:7) But I feel like I’m in an intermission. The fight is not over.

I remember last year in August of 2014 when I had both my babies in the NICU. I had four daughters at home waiting for me. I had received news that my son was going to undergo surgery and that his twin sister was going to be released from the hospital on the same day. I was completely overwhelmed. How could they do this to me?? I have to be there with my son. But I have to bring my baby girl home. What do I do?

I remember the zombie-like state I was in. Sometimes I feel the zombie in me coming out every once in a while now. But now I know how to recognize it. But, I remember when people would tell me that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. And I would often tell people this too. It was something that I had always believed in. God does NOT give you any more than you can handle. He would not do that to you. He would not stress you out to the point of no return. He would NOT push you so far into a depression that you can’t get out of it.

*sigh*

I no longer believe in that statement. I am now a true believer of a NEW statement… God DOES give you more than you can handle… He just wants you to rely on HIM to get you through it.

I remember there was a time when I couldn’t even walk anymore. I was so far into my postpartum depression that my body was DONE! My mind was mush, my heart was broken into a million zillion pieces, my eyes and face were swollen because I had been crying everyday for the past two months. My spirit……. was like a child. All I wanted was for my Father to pick me up and hold me. I wanted Him to hold me tight, squeeze me and tell me that everything was going to alright.

People kept telling me, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle…. but I couldn’t handle this anymore. I was done! I didn’t want to hurt myself or kill myself… but I didn’t want to breathe anymore because it just hurt SO much. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want to miss a second of the time I had with the babies or my older girls when I was home. When I did sleep, I didn’t want to wake up because I didn’t want to live in this nightmare anymore. I was done. My body was done. My mind was done. My heart…. was done.

I remember one day, through my dark cloud, I went to church. It was the one place I needed to be at that time. I remember just crying. Crying because it had been two months since I had been there…. crying because I needed Jesus more than I ever needed Him before… crying because I wanted to know if my son was going to live or not… crying because I wanted to let go… but crying because I knew I couldn’t.

My Pastor prayed for me and he told me, “Let go. Let God do it.” I suddenly got this vision in my mind of God’s Hand. And I was holding His hand, as if I were a child. I saw this vision as though it were a movie. I saw me walking… holding HIs hand. I looked up and I was crying. He embraced me and held me tight. And although I wasn’t seeing this vision in the first person, I could feel his embrace.

1 Peter 5:7 says to Cast all you cares upon Him. So I did. I let go of my worry and my fear. I know I wasn’t 100% healed, but after that day I sure did feel better though. Because I KNEW God was in control. He had everything planned out for me. There was a PURPOSE for me, for my son, for my family. I didn’t know what His purpose was for us to go through all of this…. but there was something better ahead for us. I just needed to hold on to His hand… and I needed to just STAND. He will pull me forward. He will help me take that first step. He will help me take a second step…a third…a fourth. Before I even realized it, I was walking with Him again.

I don’t know how He does it. I don’t know how God does what He does…. Since then I have been a true believer that God DOES give you more than you can handle… but its because He wants YOU to go to HIM. He wants nothing more than for us to open our hearts, our souls, our minds to Him. He wants us. He wants the Glory. He wants the acknowledgement. He deserves it. I will forever be grateful for all He has done and for how far He has brought us… and for how far He will take us.

To God Be The Glory