I am usually the calm one. I hide my stress well and I take everything with a grain of a salt. I let things and news just come and we take whatever comes our way and just that… deal. Matthew is coming up to 21 months old… 21 months on dialysis… 24 months of this nightmare… has anyone else felt like they just hit a brick wall cuz you are just tired of it all?? i think i am finally starting to break and me pretending to be okay is getting tiring… i just want to grab someone and shake the heck out of them and yell THIS SUCKS!!!!! lol.

So much is being thrown at me and I i feel my heart pounding out of my chest and my brain is shivering at all the information coming in. Every little thing bothers me and I just don’t want to deal.

I haven’t felt like this in a long time. i just want to run away. I want to lie in bed and just watch tv. lol. i want to be left alone. i want to relax. i want to forget about everything thats going on. i feel like such a failure and i am tired. i want my life back. i want to be okay. i want to see our life in the future and see month by month how everything is good. no stress. no worries. just doing Gods work, healthy and happy kids, a great marriage and income and we dont have to worry about anything.. ever!!

im just done today.