There is a community funeral service today for a little girl who lost her battle with cancer. She fought this cancer for 2 years. She was 6 years old. She was beautiful, she was strong, she was brave… she was a child. And she faced this fight head on and she fought so hard. The community has come together to mourn her loss but celebrate her life.

It is a beautiful sight to see such a loving community come together and support her family. It is sweet. It gives me hope. So many have helped our family in our time of need and in our time of prayers. But there is one thing that keeps bothering me…

I CAN’T.

I can’t face the death that this little girl and her family have faced and fought. I can’t make comments on facebook about it, I can’t read articles and blog posts about this little girl, or any other sick child for that matter. I just can’t. I am far from strong enough to deal with it. I can’t read something without crying. I can’t look at photos without having flashbacks about my son in that situation. And although our babies had two completely different diagnosis… my son still fights for his life. I can’t show weakness at this time. I can’t cry. I can’t stop to look at pictures and be sad. I just can’t slow down.

There is no cure for kidney disease. My son lives because he is hooked up to a machine that keeps him alive every other day for 3 hours. I watch my son and I think about all he has gone through, how far he has come and how much further he needs to go just to get to the point where he will be “okay”. I trust and believe in God’s time and believe that everything happens because it is God’s Will.

There have been two babies of mother’s that I am very close with that have passed away. Both have passed from exactly what my son has. The same diagnosis, the same age, the same complications… I don’t have fear because I have such faith in God, but I feel so isolated. My son is a miracle. And I feel like I am frozen in time.