Sometimes I can’t

I am going to admit something that I usually don’t like to talk about. I don’t like letting people into my world. I like putting on a smile and moving in and out and about life. I like putting on this fascade that everything is great and wonderful and almost perfect. I love it. Because it means that I don’t ever have to explain anything to anyone. I don’t need to feel ashamed of the pity people feel for me. I don’t have to humble myself so much that I feel embarrassed. I don’t have to feel embarrassed because oh poor me…

But here goes…

Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I can’t go on with my day. Sometimes I can’t function. Sometimes it is hard for me to do life. Sometimes it is hard for me to be mommy. Sometimes it sucks like a ridiculous amount.

Sometimes I get sad and depressed. Sometimes I get really really down on myself and every little thought or show or movie or commercial just stabs me in the heart and makes everything seem so horrible. Sometimes I just can’t.

Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I want to just drop everything and leave. Sometimes I just want to disappear. Sometimes life is just so overwhelming my head hurts, my heart hurts, my body and even my soul just hurts. The pain of depression is something that I can’t describe. It is a physical pain that begins on the inside. It comes from a core I had no idea I had. It is deep in there within me. And it wasn’t until a few months ago that, after talking it out, I was able to kind of understand why I was feeling the way I was. I finally started to understand where it was coming from and why it exists. But it hurts.

Sometimes I can’t be a mom. Sometimes I can’t be a wife. Sometimes I am so consumed in my grey cloud, that I just can’t.

….but I do.

I do it anyway. I do it all. Because I HAVE TO. I don’t get a break. I don’t to take a time out. I am lucky if I get to take a shower. Usually when I finally do get to take a shower, I am so tired I end up falling asleep on my bedroom floor. Life is exhausting. Smiling and staying positive is exhausting. But I work my butt off to do it. For my kids, my husband, for myself.

You have no idea how many friends I have lost because I just don’t WANT to go out. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want them to see how jacked up my life is. I don’t want anyone to see how sometimes…. I just can’t.

….but I do. I have made new friends. Friends that “get it”… I haven’t opened up to these new friends, so they don’t know yet. They just know I am too busy for this and that. Which is fine with me. I know in time I will open up more.

But I wanted to end this post on a positive. I wanted to say the most important part…. I do. I get up, I do what I NEED to do. I do what I have to do. Sometimes I can’t…. but I DO!!


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