Getting Back On Track

I got some really good advice this morning from a famous best selling author. It was great to open up my email and read that she has some great writing advice for me. SO I feel motivated again. I feel like I need to continue writing. I need to get back on track.

There are more stories I need to tell.

But I need to SEEK HIM first. I need to ask permission to write what I what I want to write. I need to ask for direction to write what I need to write. I need to ask for  guidance so I know what exactly I need to write. I can’t do this without His permission. I can’t do this without His direction or guidance. If I try and He does not want me to go there, then what is the point? I am NOT writing to become famous. I am the last person that wants that. If I can run away to the beach and live a happy quiet life, I would. But i can’t. I have been given this amazing miraculous life. And I have been tasked to tell the story.

Being in my position, having to stand in front of people, in front of the world and having to tell my story is the most awful feeling. I am not outgoing like that. I dont want people looking at me. But I want them to hear what God has done. I want people to hear about our MIRACLES. I want people to hear about what He has done. I want people to be encouraged. I want people to believe and have hope. But I realize now that it is understanding of God’s Will that people need to know about.

I know you can pray and pray and pray for something to turn out the way you want. I know that. But it is wisdom and understanding that you need to have as well. Because…..WHAT IF….?

What if God doesn’t want what you want? What if God doesn’t have what you want in your plans for you? What if you aren’t supposed to be in THAT place…. what if…?

And that is where you need His wisdom. Wisdom to know that whatever happens, it’s God’s plan. Wisdom to know that if something DOES happen, it was in God’s plan. Wisdom to know that if it DOES NOT happen, it was in God’s plan.

I had to get to a point in my son’s sickness that if it was God’s plan, then so be it. It took months and months for me to FINALLY accept that maybe my son was only supposed to be here on earth to get ME closer to God. Maybe my son wasn’t supposed to live past 5 months. Maybe my son was a lesson for me to LET GO and let HIM do the steering. It took 5 months for me to finally say…okay, Lord. Here. Here he is. Here is my son. I have held on for so long. I have held on so tight to him. I don’t want to let him go. But thank you for him. Thank you for my son. I can’t fix him. I can’t make him feel better. I can’t do it anymore. HERE!!! Here is my son. Do what is in your WILL. Do what has been your plan all along. This is going to happen no matter what. Here… You can have him back.

And for the first time…. I let him go. I walked over to my son as doctors and nurses were hooking him up to a ventilator, his heart rate was erratic. I didn’t want to stay around for his death. I refused to be there alone… I gave him back to God. That was His plan all along. The Lord waited patiently for me to let him go. Matthew’s body was tired. And I truly believe if I hadn’t let him go at that moment, he wouldn’t be here today with me.

So I believe, whole-heartedly, it was meant for me to let him go. THAT is what people need to hear. We all live because it is God’s plan. We all make decisions and go through what we go through because it is all in His plan already. Our lives are predestined. It is what we do with what we are given that matters most. I should have let go a long time ago… but I was so afraid of losing my son. And I believe I would have if I hadn’t let go at that time. But it was in those last moments that I realized how desperate I was for Jesus. And He spoke to me… I had relied on Him and drew closer and closer to Him. The relationship I built with Jesus was THE most important relationship. It still is today. I RELY on Him for EVERYTHING!!! Life is so hard right now, but I KNOW that because I have Him.. He provides, He protects, He takes care of us.

I just hope that I continue to give hope and encourage other mother’s who are, who have been, or who will be in this position. The position of having to let go of your child. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding… His plan, His Will…. the greatest life lesson anyone can learn. Draw close to Him.



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