There… I said it. And it feels good to say it. I have big faith. And I am not ashamed of it. I rely on God for everything. I wake up and thank God. I ask permission to do certain things in life. I ask God for things I want and need and I hope that i receive what I ask.
But I also know that there are times that He won’t give me what I want or what I ask for. There are times where He actually does the complete opposite. There are times where He puts me through the ringer and I get flustered almost to the point of being angry with God. He has put me in that position many, many times.
I am, what church people would call, a PK… Preacher’s Kid. My dad is a Preacher, He was a Pastor once. He was also the Principal of the Christian Academy here. My mom was the sunday school teacher. My grandmother, at one point, was even President of the women’s group at church. My great grand parents were actual founders of our local Apostolic Church. So… church is and always has been my life. I made life decisions based around church.
But at one point in my life…. I left. I moved away from my hometown when I was 19 years old. I hurt my knee and no longer was able to play softball on a scholarship. And I didn’t want to stay in town. I needed to move away. So, I did. And I left my home… I left church. And for about 10 years, I didn’t look back. From 20 to 30, I lived my life without church.
I drank for the first time; I went to a dance club for the first time; I even had sex for the first time…. ooohhh sinner!! I know, I know. BUT… if it makes it any better, I married him!! lol. But I did all that. I did it on my own. I lived in “the world”. I got married, had kids, found a career and there was my life.
Ten years went by very quickly. A lot happened in just ten years. After 9 years of marriage, I got divorced. And that was the biggest shock and disappointment I had ever felt. We don’t get divorced!! It’s in the Bible!! I thought I was going to hell for sure. I can feel my skin burning already. lol.
After I got divorced, I was a “single mother” and suddenly I was thrown into that category. It was so weird. I had a whole new group of single mother friends. We went on road trips and girls weekend getaways. We went on double, triple and quadruple dates with each other. (No, not swinging… eww. Just out together) I had a lot of fun, to be honest. My single mother friends, who are still my friends now, are pretty awesome!!! My life was awesome. I even dated a professional baseball player for a few months!! I felt like I was getting a chance to live my twenties because I never had a chance when I actually was in my twenties.
But something kept hold of my heart. Something kept pulling me back and sitting me down with truth. I always knew where my heart belonged…. and that was at the altar. I belonged in church. My faith is all I have ever known. It was my comfort. It my truth. It was my life. And when I left to live in the world, I lost all of that. I lost myself.
But God’s Grace and His mercy never let me go. He always had a hold of me. And I always knew there was something more. I always knew I was meant for more. He was IN me. He was IN my heart. Come to find out, He never left!!
Long story short, my husband and I got remarried, we got pregnant and now (through a fatal diagnosis-the MIRACULOUS survival of this fatal diagnosis-the long NICU stay-and a very long roller coaster of a first year) here we are now. And I STILL say, WE ARE BLESSED.
Our twins were the most prayed for babies, especially our son. So many people, near and far prayed for a miracle. Our ladies of the church fasted for our son. A 7 day fast!! It was amazing. The support, the encouragement, the love and all the prayers are what helped me through the rest of our pregnancy. Hearing who was praying, hearing how they were praying… it was amazing.
So many believed in miracles. I believed in miracles. I still believe in miracles.
But I will be honest… it took a lot for me to believe. I knew God is capable of miracles. I knew He can make it happen. It has happened before to other families, why not us?! But how can it happen for us? How possible is it that a miracle will happen for us?! Because… I mean, really… do these incredible miraculous events actually happen to us???
My husband had to remind me on a daily basis that miracles happen if we only have faith. Faith as small as a mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20) I believed. I really did believe… but it was hard. So incredibly hard. I mean, you read the bible on a daily basis, you grow up in the church, you pray and hear all the time that God can do the impossible. But…. can He??
It took a lot of convincing for me. Not only from other people telling me that miracles can happen, but I had to convince myself. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed so much that I was in constant conversation with God. I lived throughout the day talking to God. I fell asleep talking to God, I dreamed of sitting with Jesus and having these amazing conversations, I woke up talking to Him… my life was filled with Him again. And I had RE-established my relationship with God.
My relationship grew and grew and it was a beautiful one. I felt such Peace. I no longer had fear in my heart. I was sad still, I was upset at our weekly ultrasounds, I was even a little scared during our doctor visits and in-utero surgeries. It was intense. But I had PEACE. I needed Peace. I prayed for Peace and I received it.
And then…. I needed a miracle. I prayed for a miracle and I received it. After being told over and over again that our son was not going to survive this… based on their science and statistics… my son was not going to survive.
We were referred to prenatal palliative care. I had no idea there was such a thing. I had no idea there were people that would help us through the death of a child…. an unborn child. I still remember when I first spoke with this representative of this palliative care thing. She was talking to me as if my son were already dead in my womb. And I was angry with her. Because just 4 hours earlier I saw my son was still alive on the ultrasound. My son still had a heartbeat. So, why is someone preparing me for is death?! Why do I need to start planning for a funeral?? Why should I talk to someone about how I want to hold my son as he passes away??
I was so angry and confused at the whole thing. I didn’t understand why we were being referred to this person. I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. I BELIEVE A MIRACLE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. I BELIEVE THAT MY SON WAS GOING TO LIVE. IN JESUS NAME… MY SON WAS GOING TO LIVE AND HE WAS GOING TO BE BORN ALIVE!!!
I claimed it. I prayed for it. I demanded it. I believed it.
And it happened. He lived. He was born alive. We all witnessed a miracle that day. And for 5 months that he was in the NICU, we all watched a miracle in the making. Every day was a miracle…. every day IS a miracle!!
This past year and a half have been rough… to say the least. A lot has happened. Many many many ups and downs. So much had happened in the NICU, at home, at dialysis, at the hospital…. a lot.
How can this be?? How can this miracle happen?? How could it have happened to us?? Do I think I prayed enough?? Yes! Do I think I believed enough?? Yes! Do I think I had enough faith to receive this miracle?? Yes! Do I think that is why my son is alive??
Am I wrong for believing this? Am I wrong for thinking this way? Am I wrong for having so much faith in God that I believed He would give me a miracle??
I don’t think I am wrong. Not for any of it. I am not wrong for praying or believing. I am not wrong for having faith.
Do I think that other moms didn’t pray enough or have enough faith to keep their baby’s?? Do I think other moms didn’t believe enough?? Do I think that God thinks I deserved to keep my baby over other moms?? Do I think I am better? Do I think I am more special??
But how horrible for other moms to think that… I don’t care if they ARE angry or upset… we are still going through this journey. Why would any other mom shame another mom for STILL having their very sick child with them here on earth?! It happened… and it happened to me!!!
So many people out in the world can feel offended of us Christians having faith and praying. But we Christians can’t feel offended?? We Christians don’t have a right?? This world is so screwed up that I was ridiculed and put down for having a son SURVIVE his fatal diagnosis. I was told I should feel ashamed of myself for praying enough for my miracle. How can I share my sons miracle story?! How dare I!!! And then I was told I should “get off my high horse” because it was a long way down… well guess what sweetheart… I am not of this world.
“My home is in Heaven. I’m just traveling this world.” – Billy Graham
I am not sorry for my faith. I am not sorry for praying, believing and for receiving my miracle. I will not stop talking about God’s Miracles. I will not stop sharing his story and I will NOT stop GIVING God His Glory!!!!
Sorry…. NOT Sorry… but maybe maybe my faith IS bigger than yours.