Dry Tears

I woke up at about 3am this morning for no good reason. It was the weirdest thing. Our twins sleep in our room still, in their own cribs and I had put on Doc McStuffins for them to fall asleep to. I was exhausted from the weekend’s activities that I put the twins in their cribs, put some cartoons on and crashed. I was out like a light.

But then at about 3am, I woke up. I was a little delirious and was hearing Doc sing her theme song, “I feel better, so much better…” And then feel my eyes being really dry. You know how some days you wake up and you have that crusty “sleep” stuff on the corner of your eyes? That’s what I had… but I also had dry tears. Dried up tears that ran from my eyes to my ears.

I was trying to remember if I was crying right before I fell asleep…. but I wasn’t. I was crying a few hours before, though. I had just found out that a friend of mine has lost her 5 month old daughter to kidney disease. Her daughter was born full term but was in end stage renal disease. She was on dialysis in the NICU and had several complications. This baby’s mother, Leah, looked to our support group for guidance and advice. Her and I clicked immediately. My son had several of the same complications as her baby girl. And she would ask how I got through a lot of these hurdles. I told her what I did, what I wish I did and what I know now. She was a very sweet mother that is crazy in love with her baby girl. I knew she would do anything and everything to help her baby.

There were times when my son was very sick and she would pray for me and for my son. I would do the same for her and vice versa. We were each other’s support. We were both mothers with very sick babies that have kidney disease. And yesterday… her baby died.

I was devastated. My heart sunk and tears fell from my face without me even realizing it. As she was telling me over text message I was crying and I had no idea until my daughter asked me what was wrong. I told my daughter that everything was okay, I will tell her in a minute and I ran to my room.  I locked the door behind me as to not be interrupted as I cried hysterically and as quietly as I could. I was devastated.

This was a NICU baby… this was a baby that had kidney disease…. this was a baby I have come to love with a mother I helped pray for, pray with and supported. Not only that but… this is a disease my own baby has. He has fought for life for 18 months now.

The passing of this little girl hit me hard yesterday. I know that she is such a beautiful place now. I believe she is sitting in our Lord’s lap, happy and healthy as can be. I know this. But it hurt to know that she was no longer here. Her story, her journey isn’t like ours. She didn’t grow like our son.

And I think, when I was finally asleep, I was finally able to rest… my soul put itself at peace… I cried. And I think I cried because my body, my sleeping heart, my resting mind NEEDED to cry. I hold back so much and built this wall blocking MYSELF from allowing myself to cry. And for some reason, finally, my self conscious self allowed my heart to  cry.

I have never had that happen to me before. I have never woken up with dried tears on my face…. I cried. And I feel good about it. Maybe this is a baby step forward towards acceptance.

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