an article about PTSD after NICU

MARCH 21, 2015

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html

So, there’s this article. And I find it amazing. It talks a lot about life in the NICU and after the NICU. It was very interesting to me to read that everything I feel, everything I have gone through and everything I still go through now is “normal”. I read articles and stories like this and I always think to myself, “should I get help?”

As said in previous posts, I was depressed. I think I still am. I saw a doctor only twice…once to be diagnosed and a second time to confirm. But I never went back. I never talked to anyone else about it. I tried…God knows I tried. I called offices, social workers, different counties even…. but no one was ever able to help me. In fact the two doctors I did call to actually MAKE appointments with… had waiting lists of 3 to 6 months. I was so frustrated with one receptionist I actually blurted out… hopefully someone doesn’t commit suicide waiting for an appointment!!!! Geez… yeah I was at a very low point at that time. She even asked me if I wanted to hurt myself… lol. NO! DUMMY!!! I JUST WANT SOME HAPPY PILLS TO FEEL BETTER!!!!

I had too much to do than to think about hurting myself. I have six children… an amazing husband and an awesome extended family. How selfish of me to commit suicide or something…. but I was depressed, I’ll admit that. I was tired. I was EXHAUSTED, actually. And there were times where all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep for a very very very long time. But I knew I couldn’t.

When my son came home from the NICU, I think it was then that it was hardest for me. I had a whole lot more stress than I did when he was IN the NICU. When he was in the NICU, at least there I knew he was getting taken care of by professionals. Here at home, it was just me. I stressed over E-VERY-THI-NG!! And I had many many days where I just lost it. I lost myself…

Days where I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. I cried throughout the day.. I cried while in the shower… I cried making dinner… I cried watching tv…. on the toilet…everywhere!!! And half the time I didn’t know what I was crying about. I just cried. And then the next day.. I was up, I was bubbly… like nothing had happened the day before.

I still have days where I get extremely overwhelmed. I am tired. I am very tired. I know my husband still goes through his issues… and I try not to bug him a lot… but there are days where I just need help and I want to scream at him to just HELP!

Now I am trying to get some energy. Somehow…some way, I want energy. I look at my bedroom, full of laundry and I am like… ummm no! I’ll fold you later…. but I never do. I get so annoyed with the mess. But I have NO energy at all. What do I do?? I want to go to the gym… but I can’t find the time. I can’t get off my lazy butt. But I can’t take any pills or anything else because right now, I am my sons perfect kidney donor match. I need to be ready and prepared to give him my kidney!!! I can’t take anything…. for him!!

……….*sigh*………….

what was I writing about??? oh yeah, PTSD …. yeah. I think I have that. I once joined an online support group but got so mad at people and their comments I went off on these supposedly supportive people and I left the group…lol.

Triggers…. I have to learn to fight the urge. I am learning though. I have learned that when I feel something will trigger me or feel an anxiety attack coming on… I immediately start praying.. I pray and I look to my husband for support… I look to my kids to make me laugh.. I try to distract myself before my mind gets engulfed. Sometimes I am successful… sometimes I’m not.

I still contemplate talking to a doctor… but… I don’t know.

We’ll see….