DECEMBER 1, 2015

On a cold winters night, in the middle of the night, she looked at a small plastic stick that was going to tell her how the rest of her life would be. A plus sign for positive. A minus sign for negative. What will it be? Is she going to start getting cravings? Will she be sick? Will she be scared or nervous? Is this a good thing?? Is this right for right now?

…..positive sign. Pregnant: yes. She can’t scream out of excitement, he’s asleep. He has no idea she even has a test. She wants to surprise him. How should she tell him? What should she do? How will they make an announcement? This is going to be huge. She knows it is going to be such big news. So many will be surprised. Some, though…. some, might not be as excited as she. Because of her past pregnancies and how high risk they were, this may not be a good thing. This will be hard on her. This will may even harm her. But, my oh my, it will be worth it. In the end, it will be worth it. How amazing is this?!

After the surprise announcement, to her husband and to her family and friends, she and her husband found out they were having a boy. A precious little boy. Their dream come true. Will he have eyes like daddy? Will he have hair like mommy? Olive skin with light eyes like his sister? With each day that passes, she falls more and more in love with this little bundle. More and more in love with the idea of having a son. A momma’s boy as she jokingly teases her husband. She can’t wait to see what he looks like. She has dreams about him. She can see him. These dreams are so real that she can feel what he will feel like. She can smell his skin and his curly tendrils. She would dream about breastfeeding him. She would dream about laying him on the bed with the crisp clean sheets. Touching his feet and playing peekaboo with his hands. She sees his smile and can hear his laugh. The giggle that he has is one of the most beautiful sounds she has ever heard.

This is her son. This is her dream come true. For as long as she can remember, she has wished and hoped and prayed for a little boy. And now, God has blessed her with a son. She was so grateful. She was so happy. She was so excited. Her dream was coming true.

But then one day…….

She had her monthly check up appointment. Her husband had to work so she went to this appointment alone. It was, afterall, a routine check up. She eagerly waited to hear her dreams heartbeat. The doctor moved the ultrasound wand from one place to another around her little bulging, barely showing belly. Here it is… but this time… it’s nothing that she expected. The next few moments of her life were playing as if they were in slow motion. The doctor was telling her but she couldn’t hear. So much information was coming at her. She had no idea what was going on. Her head was spinning, her heart was pounding, and her breath that kept escaping her was so painful. What was happening?

It was her dream… and her dream was gone. The dreams she had of this amazing life was not going to come true. The dreams she had of this beautiful little boy was not going to come true. She had to come to terms with it. She had to come to terms with the fact that what she had hope for and wished for was not going to come true. And all she can do ……was cry. The sadness and worry and fear was overwhelming. All she can do was cry.

She cried the dreams that would never come true.