SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

I am addicted to this show. I never watched it before August. I was in my sons hospital room and I watched one of the most recent episodes. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember the show was really good. So, in my time of waiting and time of boredom while I sit with my son in recovery or at home, I figured, why not start watching this show? So I did… I started with episode one. And I now I am addicted.

This show has somehow helped me, though, with everything going on. I have seen episodes about kidney disease and the characters doing the happy pee-pee dance… episodes about babies being sick… babies dying… babies being born and even some awesome episodes about fetal surgery and how groundbreaking it was. But this show finally broke me at season 11. The character, April and her husband Jackson are expecting a baby boy. She was 25 weeks pregnant with a baby boy and she received the most horrible news that any expecting parent can receive… he baby boy was very sick and will die. The way she reacted was very similar to how I reacted. Shock. I was in shock when we received our news. And, although our news wasn’t immediate news of fatality, the weeks coming it did. The next two episodes that pertained to this expecting couple, was my life in two hours. Every ultrasound was awful. Every doctors appointment was filled with nothing but bad news. And eventually it turned into news of possible fatality.

There is a scene in the show that I actually lived through. And it talks about God… you see, April, the pregnant character, she is a christian. She believes whole-heartedly in the Lord. She prays over patients and prays during procedures. Her character is me… and here is one of her scenes after they found out about her sick baby boy.

“This isn’t fair.
It isn’t Just.
And I have spent my life believing in a God who is just.
He gave me a calling, and I followed it.
I save lives every day.
I feel like I’m I’m finally becoming the person that he wants me to be.
And then this to be handed this? It’s cruel.
[Crying] I feel like God is laughing at me.
If this is a test, I fail.
[Breathes deeply] All those years trusting and believing and praying And if this if this were just, even a tiny bit, then I could maybe [Breath deeply] I can’t.
I have to go back to work.”

…..and scene. And this is how I felt at one time. I was angry. I was confused. I was sad and didn’t understand. I still have those days where I don’t understand. I still have days that I wish life were different. I wish life was “normal”. But I know it never will be. It will never be a “normal” normal.

Season 11, episode 11 broke me. It’s even titled, “All I Can Do Is Cry”….lol. How fitting is that?! lol. But I have to say, it is comforting to know that even on tv, I am not alone. What we are going through happens. And it sadly happens enough that it is on a big time television show. And to be honest, it was comforting. So thank you Grey’s Anatomy, for being real.