SEPTEMBER 8, 2015

So this life…. the one that God has BLESSED me with… it is not exactly what I had planned. You see, I am a planner. I plan things. I plan things out. I write outlines for things. I write notes and TO-DO lists. I like to know what I have to do and I feel an accomplishment and pride when I check those tasks off. I have done it. I have succeeded. I conquered the day and all that needed to be done. YES!! *high-five*

But this life… the one that God has blessed me with… it isn’t exactly what I had planned.

Two years ago i was working full time in one of the greatest careers. I was having fun and dammit I was good at my job. I have been with my department for 12 years. I had worked at three different job sites, worked with so many great people and I was working my way up the chain. My husband and I were getting re-married and I was rockin’ a dream-come-true engagement ring. I was having fun picking colors schemes and decorations when I was in the middle of planning an awesome wedding that we never had before. Our kids were healthy and growing and doing amazing in school. All of them in extra curricular activities and just being great kids. Life was good. No worries at all…

The day I found out I was pregnant, was the day that changed everything. Deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew life was going to make a drastic change. I didn’t know WHAT was going to happen… I just knew it was going to change. When I found out we were having TWINS… omg! THAT was mass chaos in the doctor’s office. Good chaos… but chaos nevertheless. Not only did I have to take a break from my job, now I am having twins!! That’s two babies!! At the same time!! For two weeks we were able to be happy about this pregnancy. We were shocked and excited. We were rolling with it… we were laughing about it because we knew that God has a sense of humor… and THIS topped it for us. This pregnancy was just simply incredible.

Two weeks we celebrated knowing we were getting blessed twice as much… then we got another ultrasound. It was a routine check up and the ultrasound was a perk. The day we found out something was wrong with our son. This was not what I had planned.

I had planned a beautiful pregnancy. Filled with over the top baby shower planning and shopping for everything baby. I had planned maternity photos because i KNEW this was going to be my last pregnancy. I wanted to capture every week of my baby bump. I wanted to write on a big white board a weekly journal and take a picture of my growing belly. I wanted to make a scrapbook of everything. Every photo we took, every ulrasound pic, every little kick and roll I felt. I wanted to remember it all. But instead, what we got wasn’t at all what we had planned.

Instead I got the worse news anyone could ever get. Instead of “they are healthy and thriving” , I got “one is sick and they may not survive.” How can this be?? How can I get this news?? This isn’t what is supposed to happen. This isn’t what I had planned! We are supposed to be planning our prince and princess themed baby shower. I had already purchased their prince and princess crowns that they are going to wear when we take their newborn photos. What am I supposed to do with those crowns now? Sell them?? This isn’t what I had planned.

My pregnancy was everything but happy and joyous. So much had happened that I still deal with it today. From the day in the elevator when I lost all control, to the day they were born, and to now… I am sitting at my son’s bedside while we are at the hospital. I STILL deal with this. Our family STILL goes through the emotions and pain and agony of having a critically-ill child. I AM STILL HERE. My heart hurts so much when I think about all that has happened. The pain and suffering that my son has endured…. what our family has gone through. I worry and wonder about what this will do to our girls in the long run. Will they grow up to resent me for being absent so many times?? Or will they grow up to be amazing compassionate and sympathetic human beings? Am I doing this right? Am I doing any of this right?? I guess I won’t know until tomorrow… and tomorrow after that… and tomorrow after that… and tomorrow after that. I won’t know until my son is grown and married with kids and healthy as can be. I won’t know until my girls are grown up, either graduated from college or in college… one of them in the medical field, another in law enforcement… maybe one or two in the entertainment field. Those are their hopes and dreams… and I hope and pray they reach their dreams. I pray everyday that I am doing everything right to get them there.

God has blessed me with this unusual life…  and as I sit here feeling so down and sad because of how hard life is, I have to remember that GOD HAS BLESSED  ME WITH THIS LIFE. I have to think about all that we have accomplished as a family. I have to remember what we have conquered. This life that I have… NO ONE will be able to live it. NO ONE was cut out for this life. NO ONE would be able to go through what I go through.. what our family goes through.. what my son goes through… NO ONE. God created us to endure. He made us strong knowing that we would be able to survive after everything. And He knew that we would give Him ALL the Glory. Because when this is all over… IT WAS HIM. It was all because of Him. It was ALL FOR HIM.

Days like today, I have to force myself that it is going to be alright. In the end… it WILL all be okay. Even though on days like today I can’t see an end in sight… but, I thank God because I see Him carrying us all the way. I see Him walking next to us when we are strong enough to walk. I see Him holding our hand and  directing us towards Him. And I see Him watching us as we continue on with this life that we were blessed with.

I know none of this is what I had planned… but I take comfort in knowing this .. All of this… it is what HE had planned.