Written on AUGUST 19, 2015

I have been pregnant more than a few times. My husband and I have 6 kids. I have had 5 amazing pregnancies. Each one completely different from the other. One thing I have never told anyone, not a living soul, is that I had one miscarriage. I am finally saying it outloud. Well… in writing. I don’t think I will ever be able to tell anyone in person. I had one miscarriage …and it was way back in 2006. Let me say again…. not one person knows except my husband. I have kept this secret between me, my husband and God for 9 years.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant. It would have been my 3rd baby. My two daughters were 5 and 4 at the time. I was doing great in my career. And I remember the day I secretly found out I was pregnant. I wanted, for once, to surprise my husband. I wanted to do something so awesome to tell him. I wanted to make an official announcement to tell our family and friends. I was in baby fever. I was really busy with work and busy with kids going to school and just busy busy busy. I think I was almost 3 months when I felt sick. Cramping, nauseous, dizzy and just so bad.  I began to hemorrhage and immediately I knew……. my baby was gone. The physical pain was nothing compared to the sadness I felt. I was away on business when this happened and I was completely alone. I didn’t know what to do… who to call… where to go… so I called in sick the following day and cried and prayed and cried.

I had to call my husband to tell him what was and how it is not. I was crying… not uncontrollably, but I was just incredibly sad. And he knew something was wrong. So he waited for me to tell him. I said… “I think I lost a baby.” I explained to him what had happened and he was silent. I don’t think he knew what to say or how to respond or how to comfort me over the phone.

That weekend I came home. It was nice being home. It was nice being around my babies and my husband. I was happy to be home. I had such an amazing homecoming I didn’t want to ruin it. So I stayed silent about my secret. And I slowly forced myself to forget about everything. I didn’t want to think about what had happened. I went to the doctor the following week and he confirmed. He said, “Sometimes these things happen.” Especially because I had been doing extreme workouts everyday for work. My body just couldn’t hold the pregnancy.

About 3 months later I found out I was once again pregnant. As soon as I “thought” I was pregnant, I stopped all exercises and I immediately went to the doctor. My pregnancy was confirmed and I was super cautious and super excited!! This was my most painful pregnancy. Before getting pregnant I had lost about 30lbs to get myself physically fit. So this pregnancy was a body transformation pregnancy. Just incredibly painful.

As time passed, the thought of my secret slowly diminished. I had more babies and I was incredibly blessed and busy. I loved my life. But every once in a while, I will unfortunately hear about friends and family losing their babies. Either during pregnancy or after. And it brings me back to the day I lost a little one. It never really engraved into my brain that I lost a baby once. I always just thought it was a “fluke” or JUST a miscarriage. I never understood what it really meant. I never understood what it was that really happened. Maybe because I purposely divert my attention to the good stuff in life. Maybe because I was young and ignorant. Maybe because, like today, I don’t like feeling the ugly feelings.

There were days when the thought would suddenly pop into my head. The thought of what could’ve been. The thought of having an additional little one at the dinner table. There were strong thoughts and feelings that this one was a little boy. I can’t explain how I know. But I know. I feel him… and there are times when I see him and what he could’ve been. I see what he IS in Heaven.

A few weeks ago when Matthew was really sick, he was in the hospital. Matthew would turn his whole body to stare at the corner of the room. There were no monitors, no televisions, no photos, nothing…. just a corner of the wall. And he would turn and look and stare as if looking at someone… he would babble and sometimes he smiled his little smirk. He would turn back around and fall asleep. At first it was a little creepy. We are in a hospital…. I can only imagine the spirits that are still there. Every time he did this… which was about 5 or 6 times over two days… I began to pray outloud. I asked God to make sure they were angels surrounding him and not anything lurking or tempting him. And this warm fuzzy feeling came over me. I suddenly felt this boys presence. Except he wasn’t a little boy, he was a grown boy. And then I received a vision. A boy…olive color skin…curly cue hair…the overwhelming feeling was incredible. It was him. I cried these tears for a boy I never knew or realized I had. It was a beautiful feeling. This incredible amount of comfort came over me. Different from the Lord’s peace!! It was a protective comfort…. but not for me. It was directed towards Matthew. This feeling just came over me. Matthew looked over at the corner and so did I. I did not see him with my eyes, but I knew he was there. There were other angels around my son. The ones that protected him while in the NICU. I said “Thank You…. thank you for watching over Matthew. Thank you for taking care of him and talking to him. He knows you are here.” The feeling was just…… refreshing.

I didn’t tell anyone about that experience. I told my husband that his angels were here… but not of this boy.

As the days passed, the idea of that boy stuck with me. Then I came across the Day of Hope. Prayer flags made for all the angel babies in remembrance of them. I made one for my husband’s daughter… and it wasn’t until last night that I made one for him…. our baby in Heaven.

Last night I asked my husband if he remembered what had happened back in 2006 when we lost a little one. He said he does… I asked him if he ever thought about what could’ve been. He said he was watching a show once called ‘Long Island Medium’ and on the show Teresa, the medium, was talking with a woman. She was saying that there were so many kids… so many… just trying to talk to her. They all want to say something. They are fighting for her attention. And Teresa asked the lady if that meant anything to her. She says no…. after a little more conversation, Teresa asks her.. have you had any miscarriages? The lady says yes.. I had 5. Teresa says… these are your children……

*take my breath away*

Teresa said… each baby… no matter how far along you were in your pregnancy, no matter how big or small, each pregnancy is a real life being with a soul. They are little angels with souls. And her little children are all in Heaven waiting for her….

The lady broke down. And I broke down as my husband is telling me this. Then his eyes started to “burn” … and he hugged me and comforted me. I then tell him… which I have never ever mentioned… ours was a boy. He smiled at the thought. I then told him about the boy in Matthews room. He was comforted in knowing Matthew has a big brother that is watching over him. Along with his big sister. ♡

All babies are Miracles.