Written on AUGUST 16, 2015

I hate kidney disease. It has turned our lives upside down. Every time I think we have leverage… it kicks us in the gut and we drop. We don’t fall completely, but enough to take our breath away.

I never ever use the word hate. I Don’t like the word hate. I don’t ever make room for anything to hate. Hate is unnecessary. It envelops you and changes who you are. Hate makes you miserable. It consumes you. It steals the ounces of blessings we all receive each day. It clouds your thoughts. It makes you believe that your entire world is horrible. There is so much darkness in the word hate. I have refused for years.. REFUSED to ever hate anything or anyone… no matter what anyone has ever done. …I don’t hate…..

But I HATE this disease. It affects every aspect of our lives. It steals my sons energy. It steals my joy in all that we have been blessed with. It makes life so difficult.

Some days, like today, it’s just unbearable. Days like today I don’t see any end to it. Days like today I just want to give up because I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of constantly being on the defense and the micro-second I take an itty-bitty breath, it does something to choke the living hell out of you.

I hate the life it is stealing from my kids. I do my best to continue to give them the summer and the childhood they deserve. And I think I’m doing a pretty good job at it. They’ve been on vacations and shopping sprees and road trips already…spoiled, I’d say. But that’s how a child should be. Spoiled with fun and family. But deep down I know they hurt too. Deep down I see the fear they have about their brother. I’m a mother and I see their hidden pain.

I hate the inconvenience it is for family and friends. I hate the constant asking them for favors. I hate having to ask for help. I hate feeling helpless and desperate. I hate not being in control of anything! I hate everything! Everything this disease has done to us…. I hate it.

I especially hate that it takes life from my son. It is slowly taking him. I see it. I see it in his eyes…in his skin…his facial expressions… this disease is trying its hardest to kill my son.

But I’ll be damned if I allow that to happen. He’s a fighter. We are fighters. I am a fighter. I will put to death any THING and anybody that tries to tear us apart…that tries to steal my joy. My family… my girls… my husband… my son… they are all God’s Promise to me! And there is no way I will allow anything to happen to them.

God has carried us throughout this entire journey. It has all been in His plan from the beginning. And I trust in Him. In everything, I have acknowledged that only by the Grace of God we have survived this life. So many prayers…. so many people coming together and praying and believing with us that matthew will have continued healing. Matthew and his twin are miracles. It is my job to tell the world that they are His miracles.

I am not ashamed to tell the world how desperate I am for Jesus. How I rely on Him for everything. How our lives… though so hard… we are so blessed. Everything we have gone through should have torn our lives apart to the point of no return. But our foundation is Jesus. We are in the palms of His hands. Nothing in the world can take Him away from us. Nothing in this world will take my eyes off Him.

….but I hate this disease. I know only God’s Grace will get me through this hatred. I pray for mercy on a daily basis. I pray for strength. I hope for peace.

I hope that one day mommy really can make it better…..

Lord forgive me…. but I hate kidney disease.