when will it be over?

MAY 12, 2015

The other day, in our support group, there is a new mommy that had her son three weeks ago. She went through all the same procedures as  I did while she was pregnant. Although I had two surgeries, she had one. Her baby boy was term. Her son is now in the NICU, having all the necessary surgeries to start him on dialysis.

She posted on there the other night that she was having doubts about the entire thing. About why she even decided to have the life saving surgery to save her son, why she is allowing her son to suffer, and why she will continue to allow him to suffer.

When I saw this new post of hers, all I could say in response was “WOW.” and I added, “please don’t think of your son as suffering. Please don’t give up on him.”

Reading her post, I felt the desperation in her.  I remember what that felt like. I remember everything she is going through. We went through the same thing. I remember feeling sick of seeing the twins like that. I remember begging God to fix our son. I remember feeling so desperate and so broken and so shattered….

Her post brought me to tears. For so many months now I have been the one that has been strong and giving everyone advice on how to move on. Giving everyone advice on how to be strong. Giving everyone encouragement, hope, and faith. But her post broke me. And with Mother’s Day coming up, my heart is heavy.

I can’t help but wonder, when will this feeling go away?? When will the memory of my heart being ripped out of my body be over?? I can’t help but tell myself over and over again that my twins didn’t die!!! My boy didn’t die. He is still here!! He is sitting and playing with his twin sister right in front of me!! Why am I still feeling this way??

I think maybe because it wasn’t what ‘I’ expected. It wasn’t what ‘I’ had planned and hoped for. I wanted a son so desperately…. I wanted the blue balloons and Welcome Home Baby banners. I wanted the maternity pictures. I wanted the newborn pictures. I the baby Lion King decorations in the nursery. I wanted his first bath. I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to hold him when he was born. I wanted him to look at me and see me when he entered the world.

But God had other plans. Felt like I had to prove to God how much I wanted this boy. I don’t think I will ever know why I was given a son. But I know that he is blessed. I know he has a purpose. And whether or not that purpose was for me or others to build up their faith…. I don’t know. I’d like to think so though.

I felt bad for not giving her a better response. And I will send her a message saying I’m sorry for not being a better support person. I didn’t have Facebook or ANYONE to help me through our ENTIRE ordeal. I literally went through it ALL ALONE!!! NICU life is a very lonely lonely life. And I hope to be better at being supportive to whoever needs a friend.