written on  MARCH 21, 2015

Sometimes I wish I could just stay and live in my bubble and never have to go outside again.

My husband and I went out on a date night last week for the first time since before the twins were born. We have gone to dinner or lunch alone together, but it usually followed or came before a doctor’s appointment or something. We haven’t been able to ENJOY ourselves or each other. It was nice. I think I kinda like him… lol.

I love my husband for all he is to me and all he is for me. We are both the same type of people. But at the same time, we are complete opposites. Weird, I know. But when we went out….. the world has changed so much since the last time we went out and enjoyed it.

I find myself getting mad with people. I have no tolerance for certain people. Sometimes I just cant help but make this ..”what the heck” face. I don’t hide my feelings well. My facial expressions are so transparent. It’s kind of funny.

My bubble. If I could stay in it forever, I would. I have lived my life. I have traveled. I have had my fun. I enjoyed my twenties and so far my thirties as well.

My two preemies have been stuck indoors for months because of the risk of RSV, the flu, the measles, and every little evil germ that exists. We bought a stroller and I have taken them out maybe three times in it. Three…. in 4 months.

Maybe I’m a little phobic of the public. I still get jitterly when I think about having to go to the big grocery store down the street. I would rather drive an extra 10 minutes to go to the smaller, more expensive one just so I don’t have to deal with the large crowds. I go shopping at night right before the store is about to close. I don’t go anywhere…EVER! And if I do, then I can’t be alone.

I still remember the time I went shopping at my most favorite store of all time, Target. And I took my girls with me. We were in no rush, I just needed a few things. And I remember standing in line, and it felt as though the cashier was just moving in slow motion. Everything around me started to spin. I felt weak. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt like my eyes were going to go dark on me. My eldest daughter looked at me and took over my transaction. She saved me there. As I was walking away I started crying… I called my husband and I was just hysterical. He almost came for me… but I told him that I would be okay make it home. I didn’t go out again for a month after that.

I am now slowly just starting to get out again. I still don’t go to that big grocery store…but I will go to the other one earlier in the afternoon. I go pick up my daughter from kindergarten now. I am getting better. I know I have to show my kids the world… But for my preemies right now… our bubble is perfectly fine.