Random Ramblings

where am I going with this??

MARCH 11, 2015

That has been the question on my mind lately. where am I going with this?? Don’t get me wrong, I am not confused. I am not confused about WHO I am. I just want to know what am I going with this??

Before the twins were born I had the ideal life. A house… amazing job… got paid very well… the kids were in good schools… our marriage was insanely perfect… and our participation in church was right on track. Life was good. No complaints except maybe what to eat for dinner.

Then the twins happened. And… well life was even more prefect because we were adding two to the family. And one was a boy. It was exciting. For two whole weeks we marveled in God’s surprise…God’s Promise. Then two weeks later, we got the devastating news about our son. Posterior Urethral Valves… or Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction… or the worse prognosis a mother can get about her unborn son.

When this happened and we were fighting our way through, some people told me that I am an inspiration of HOPE and FAITH. Some told me that I have shown them what PRAYER can do. Showed them how POWERFUL one little prayer can be. I have spoken about how YOU or ANYONE can change one’s life simply by saying…GOD BLESS YOU…. change someone’s life simply by PRAYING FOR THEM… lifting THEIR NAME up to God…

I have had my share of sadness…fear…anger…anxiety and especially depression. I know it was all in God’s plan for me to go through that because He knew I had to. I had to PUSH THROUGH with God’s strength.

I honestly believe… it was the devil trying to take my joy from me. The first couple months I was terrified of losing my twins. I was so encapsulated with depression…I felt like the devil was just swarming around me…waiting for me to give in…waiting for me to give up… days before that fateful day in October when I gave my son back to God… the devil was showing me some ugly ugly visions. Visions of my son in a casket…visions of me at his funeral…visions of me committing suicide….visions of my family better off without me, because without my son, why bother?

But that’s when God happened. Our prayers… our life… our future… My life was founded on Him. I had been praying and praying and begging for God to use me. I had dreams and wishes and ideas of things I wanted to do for Him. I had always thought and hoped to be a part of the church’s Praise and Worship team. So, at the time, my prayer was for God to USE ME. Somehow, God…USE ME.

So when our twins were born prematurely…our son was critically ill… I didn’t understand. I knew there was a purpose and I knew there was a reason… I just didn’t know why. But with everyone telling me those things.. tell me to keep going.. telling me that I was an inspiration… I thought maybe that’s why. To give the world HOPE.. to show the world God’s miracles. To show parents that there is always hope… to keep fighting… to have faith. Maybe that’s it for me.

But since my son has been home, I still struggle with depression and anxiety. Not on a non-faithful level, but on a personal “my body can’t breathe” level. (if that makes sense) And I have still been struggling with going out and being around people. We have kept our twins home because of RSV season and the flu season and because that’s what we are supposed to do with preemies. Keep them home.

But I’m ready now. I’m ready to get up and get out there. I want to. Like my previous post said, I want to do more. I want to be more. When I prayed and prayed and practically begged God to USE ME… I’m ready…. again. And if I had to go through all this just to prove that I can handle it…, here I am Lord!! I handled it because of YOU. I am STILL going through this medical mess… but here I am. USE ME!!

I want to do nothing else but to worship and praise Him for all He has done… I want to keep telling the world about His miracles. I want to keep telling the world how AMAZING He is. I want to be part of that Praise team. I want to be part of something that will give Him His Glory!

So with that… where am I going with this?? Where am I going with this blog?? The twitter feed?? The facebook page?? Where am I going with this new up and coming company that will hopefully spread all around the world?! Am I going in the right direction??

Please pray for me that God reveals what I am supposed to do with my blessings. Maybe I’m a little too excited and impatient… but I just want to know something. lol… just some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. Give me something to talk about on this blog… give me the right words to say… the right topic to discuss…

I hope I am doing something right!

Take Care and God Bless

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