written on  MARCH 1, 2015

Those eyes…. they say so much to me. Matthew is only 7 months old (5 months adjusted) so he can’t speak with words. He is just starting to goo and gaa. He is just starting to find that he has a voice. He is learning to shake his head when he gets cranky. He wiggles his little bottom when he needs a diaper change. He squints his nose when he is trying to flirt. He smiles when he is happy. He laughs when he is kissed…… but those eyes get me.

The last couple of days have been really tugging at my heart. Matthew has developed a hernia in his lower abdomen the last few weeks. This past two weeks his drains during dialysis has decreased more and more. We knew he had the hernia, but there no signs to show that it was affecting his drains. I just thought that maybe he grew and his catheter got moved around up and didn’t reach the lower part of his abdomen.

This past Wednesday it was time to increase his volumes. His labs came out real good and there weren’t any concerns with anything. So we thought it would be good to increase him now.

His weight began to increase every day; his drain volumes got very bad; and he began retaining a lot of fluid. He was really puffy and he gained 2lbs in three days. So I called the on call nurse, since it was the weekend, and she told us to go to the emergency room. But, instead, I called the on call Nephrologist to see what he said. I knew that the only thing that is going to get him better is surgery. And I knew that they weren’t going to do surgery on him immediately. The doctor told us to simply decrease his solution volumes to as to not put any pressure on his abdomen or the hernia. We should decrease his feedings throughout the day and on she will contact his Urologist to talk to him about surgery.

So we did NOT have to rush to the emergency room. And my instincts were right about decreasing any and all volumes of solution and formula. We had to use a higher strength solution for the past two nights and it gets him very dehydrated each time. When dialysis is about three or four hours in, he starts gagging and vomiting. Then there are those eyes.

When he vomits, he tends to choke and it gets messy quite a bit. His eyes get big and wide and they look up to me and…… my heart breaks.

His eyes are like, screaming at me. They’re yelling for help. They’re begging to take the yuck away. They’re begging me to help him feel better.

But I can’t. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything to make him feel better. I can hold him as he vomits… clean him up… rock him back to sleep… sing to him… comfort him… brush his hair back with my fingers… and pray.

I wish I make him better. But I know God has a bigger and better plan for Matthew. God has a bigger and better plan for me…for us as a family.

Like the sing ‘Stand’ says… praying and crying. After you’ve done all you can, you just STAND.

I Believe that God will make him well…because in the morning, he is always is better. Matthew will beat this disease. Nothing is impossible.

And I know because of this face… God’s Promise… and the way he looks at me.
♡