It’s MY Turn

When you have lived a life placing the needs of others before your own,

the day you put yourself first will feel selfish.

it’s not.

it is your turn.

it was always your turn.

My heart has been heavy for so long because I have not found the time or the energy to put into my beautiful non-profit, Made For A Miracle. I think the reason I can’t move forward with Made For a Miracle is because I am not completely healed yet. I dove into it because I wanted to help. I dove into it full force because it helped me be distracted by it. I saw and met so many families and moms while at the hospital 4 days a week, having the non-profit made it so easy to help them. I was able to walk up to them or them to me and we can just openly chat about what our babies have gone through…. what our babies are going through. It was easy to give moms Godly advice and to moms who weren’t so believing that I have been there too. I am such and such many years into this journey that all I have to do is keep going. Trusting and keeping the faith was hard.

Back in 2017, we were told that Matthew was in desperate need of a new kidney. All that was going on with him… they didn’t expect him to make it another year on dialysis. They were talking about a catheter in a different location but based on his age and size, what kind of quality of life will he have?? And there it was… that phrase.

Quality of Life.

I thought this was some kind of disease when I had first heard of the phrase back when I was pregnant. It was drilled in my mind about the kind of quality of life Matthew will have. And although we had overcome so much the first year of life…. here we were again. Fighting to see what kind of life we can give Matthew. And doctors were then able to practically say I told you so…

But God.

He had his plans and He made it work! As always! And during that time I had to take a step back from Made For a Miracle. I had to help my son, my family and myself. I had to deal with our reality at the moment. And since I did that, I never really came back.

Now here we are, 2022. And I still find myself trying really hard to just function in my home. I am still in the MEND program, which has been amazing and incredible. My family is now involved weekly for our family sessions. Healing is a long process. And it is something that I can’t do alone. I feel so blessed to know that I am not alone because for so long, I felt I was. I accepted the fact that feeling lonely was very different from being alone.

I am still involved in volunteering for our children’s hospital. I am still involved with Made For A Miracle. But this time, I am meshing the two together. I am now the Advisor Chair for our NICU Patient Family Advisory Council. I am deeply involved in helping staff create a better family centered care experience for NICU families. I have been volunteering to help with so many Quality Improvement projects and collaboratives, as well as programs to help support parents through the process.

Made For A Miracle is still there. We are just being used the way God had always intended….